Deleting the dating app: Found the ONE all along ?

Like many women, I have stumbled across a variety of dating sites, usually after despairing from the temporary encounters made during a night out in bar. Luckily, some of my friends that are in relationships haven’t felt the need to push me into a set up in the hope I find the same happiness they have, so the task of finding the ONE has been left to me when and if I want…just how I like it. I was in a long term on/off relationship with a man and when that finally came to an end, it took a while to even think of boarding that train again let alone discovering that I actually should have been travelling from the lady station all along. I have never seen eye to eye with dating, the thought of two strangers meeting without prior conversation and paying for an activity together just gives me the heebies. I’ve tried various dating sites like Match, OK Cupid, Plenty of Twats masquerading as “Fish”, the list goes on and I did enjoy the email exchanges which if all goes well, should lead to phone then Skype calls as you get to know a person better.  The only thing spent is time and if it’s a waste well you just move on. Here are some little handy tips for those online dating :

1.      Be open but selective – seems a contradiction but don’t just message someone because you think they look hot, really read a profile and see what you have in common. Ones that think they’re being mysterious by not putting anything about themselves apart from “you’ll have to message me to find me out” or taking 150 mirror/bed photo selfies of themselves will probably be “dead ends”.

2.      Find things in common -  I’m sure I don’t need to say that messages from users containing just “Hi” or “Your fit” are not great starters so don’t do it either. If someone likes the same band, tv show or whatever as you do then a simple “ hey noticed you’re into blah blah, what’s your favourite part of blah blah”  and so forth really breaks the ice.

3.      Copious conversations - it’s totally fine to be messaging a few people at the same time as long as you can keep track, things are really non-committal at that stage and it takes the pressure off focusing on just one person. Usually after a couple of weeks you’ll start to see which paths are worth pursuing. The phone calls and Skype conversations usually give an idea of whether a date should be on the cards and should be less daunting after all that.

I have a full and loving social and work life, my yings and yangs or whatever balance you want to call it are in a pretty good place and so I began to think that maybe it’s OK to stop searching. Society is determined that we achieve certain milestones and often it becomes a race to see who’ll be having the car, the house, the spouse and the offspring first, and if not first we certainly keep a watchful eye on the ones behind, and even more so on those who decide not to join the race at all. While those things are lovely, they are not my goals in life and I can already hear the gasps and small violin playing whilst someone asks “but don’t you feel empty?” No, no I don’t.

I was watching classic re-runs of one my HBO favourites, 'Sex and City' and one particular episode really stood out to me like it never had before. It was the one where Carrie goes to a child’s birthday party at her friend’s apartment, whilst she is there she is made to take off her very expensive Manolos as the kids might pick up dirt and get sick, hilarious! At the end of the party Carrie can’t find her shoes, someone has spirited them away (bad times) and so plays out an awkward situation with her friend about the value of things. Her friend lends her a pair of trainers to go home in and is happy to replace her shoes until she hears they cost over $300. Carrie is made to feel guilty about her single life and for spending that much money on herself by her family centered friend. Carrie then recalls to herself how she’s always supported this friend by buying her and her family gifts, attending her wedding, birthdays, christenings etc, yet can’t be offered the same in return. To cut the story short, Carrie in the end sends this friend a note stating that she is entering into a sologamous marriage and has a wedding gift list registered at Manolo Blahnik. Her friend takes the hint or thinks it’s the latest New York trend for the devout singleton but either way does eventually buy her the shoes with well wishes to Carrie & Carrie. Obviously it’s not real life but the self-assurance and contentment that Carrie had at that point in her life and how we perceive each other’s journeys was a feeling I could relate to.

I love my family, I love my friends and their kids (lucky to be godmother to two lovely ones) and I love my work which I guess is my significant other…we have ups and downs but the passion is still the same years on. So I've deleted the dating apps from my phone, who knows if or when I’ll be back but I know I’m happy with the ONE, me.

Hx