Let's Talk About Death Baby, Lets Talk About You and Me

Catchy song right? Well it should be. I realise the points I am about to make might have you thrown at the 90's hip hop reference in the heading (big up Salt-N-Pepa) but stay with me here. 

I've been listening to a lecture about the relationship between Sex and Death by Professor Tom Kirkwood from his 2001 Reith Lecture on BBC Radio 4's site, there is a full transcript if you prefer to have a read. Apparently Aristotle believed there is a relationship between Sex and Death. Both  are in a way two sides of the same coin; they bring up questions that many struggle with. Its interesting an orgasm is also called "a little death" though the word 'little' might be debatable as Kirwood rightly points out; life forms that die after spawning is no little act. While my reflections here are not  going to be about Sex, it has lead me to question how we humans treat the 2 major life events of Birth and Death in this world of ours.

I picked up Bronte's ashes on the way to my therapy session today. I could have made separate trips but my mind is in organisation overdrive with scheduling and conveniences at the moment that I can't think like that; so it becomes an afterthought instead of listening to the wise ones who have repeatedly said to me "whenever you're ready" or "there is no rush". So Bronte came along to therapy with me today which was a strange yet comforting realisation, My therapist is an amazing human being, she casually greeted Bronte with the same warmth she always does for me which was unexpected but I won't forget her genuine thoughtfulness. I know Bronte is dead, but I also don't feel like she is gone and that kindness shown to me acknowledged that somehow. We talked about Death today and we discussed the fear it evokes. I have been supported by some very thoughtful and loving friends/family but one thing that did strike me is that there were a couple of people whom I deemed close who fell silent. 

Initially it was hurtful but I've accepted it and I have come to understand it better from being on both sides of the fence. There will always be a lack of acknowledgement or a minimisation of your grief and I have been guilty of this as I'm sure everyone has at some point in life. Some of those you thought would be there for you might not be and some will surprise you, and everything else in between the two. I have realised that you can't hold those expectations from others as it creates resentment on top of your pain but if they really mean a lot to you and you're hurt that they've not acknowledged your pain, then call them out from a place of love! They might be going through their own pain, and so a supportive dialogue can occur from that. My best friend and I are both terrible when it comes to communicating but we love each other, foibles and all. We both lost our fur babies in the space of a week but only discovered this when we finally got ourselves on the phone to each other and shared our pain.

A person grieving will be thinking of their loved one even if you cant see that because of the breaks in the waves. Not mentioning their loved one is worse. There will be those who are worried about saying the wrong thing or upsetting you which actually is a projection of their own fear and upset. If they can admit this and are willing to grow from the experience, especially after being called out which is when all our instincts tend to want to be defensive; it shows they are trying to put their own fears and upset aside to be there for you. If they run for the hills then you have your answer. There will also be those who will say and do the wrong things, sometimes intentionally and other times unintentionally but only you will know where best and how best to spend your energies. Some times it's worth addressing but you are under no obligation to do so. Don't let the negativity filter through to how you process your pain, you don't need that kind of hassle. 

I'll leave you with love and a poem I wrote after my session today. 

Hx

This is a public service announcement

Death is not contagious

I repeat.

Death is not contagious

You will not catch it

You will not pass it on 

To the ones you love

From talking about it

Fear may try to tell you otherwise

It is true

You can't catch death

But it will get you

Me

All of us

Some day

Any day.

You can't catch pregnancy

Or pass it on 

Talking about birth.

Why does talking life

Have a high worth

Yet talking death

With silence we curse?

This is a public service announcement

Death is not contagious

So let's try to be 

A bit more courageous.