Hairapy: Trichotillomania and Me

Tuesday 23rd of February 2016 is a date that will always stay with me. It's the day I decided to shave my head. It had been on my mind (if you pardon the pun) for quite sometime now, a desire I had never shared with anyone and the main reason behind why.

I'm a Trichotillomaniac AKA a Trichster, an affectionate name in our community of misfits. It means I have urges to pull out my own hair, usually a strand at a time when I am in a relaxed state like watching telly or in clumps when I am in an agitated one. Either way, both states are like trances as I often don't realise I am doing it until my mind snaps out of the world it was lost in. Trichotillomania is a largely unheard of and rarely discussed obsessive compulsive disorder, it leads to hair loss and balding which impairs socialising and creates insecurity and I have suffered with it for as long as I can remember. I have never enjoyed my hair and believe me I have tried to ! I tried to embrace my natural curls, I tried to straighten my hair, braid my hair, even wore wigs. I tried everything to enjoy having the feeling and pride of having hair on my head. I wanted to stop surrounding myself with clumps of hair and bald patches but my hair always felt like a heavy hat that didn't belong to me; a heavy, tatty hat with frayed strands I desperately tried to tidy up. No matter what change I made, that feeling never left. 

I did some research and found it interesting how we perceive our own hair and the hair of others. Hair is very much seen as a symbol of beauty and status and shaving your head as a woman tends to get you lumped into 3 categories mental and./or physical illness or bold fashion statement; while these are reasons, they are also assumptions about women with short hair. It is been described as an act of bravery, something to be celebrated but something one personally could never do; and that doesn't sit right with me as all be it well intentioned, it just re-enforces otherness. We are all capable of change for whatever reason and that doesn't have to be a strange thing to be marveled, just a nice compliment like "you look great" will often speak volumes.

 Initially it appeared to some friends who did not know about my relationship with my hair, like a spontaneous act, even voicing concern for me having a "Britney moment". Now I can't and won't speak for Britney, apparently she suffers from the same condition as me but we all know how the media likes to take interest in a different perspective. If she does or doesn't have Trichotillomania, or it was or wasn't a spontaneous moment, it doesn't matter.  In the words of India Arie, "I am not my hair, I am not this skin, I am the voice that lives within" and this voice here is saying I don't feel brave, I feel liberated !

Hx